Mirror mirror on the wall

Think about someone who annoys you. Now think about exactly what annoys you about them. Maybe they are always running late, maybe they are always 5 minutes early, maybe they seem overbearing, maybe you wish they would make a decision. It doesn’t matter and you don’t have to judge yourself for what you come up with - this is just to help you deepen your own self awareness!

When we see something in someone else, we often experience annoyances because it is some sort of reflection on us. It is either reflecting back something we can recognise in ourselves and we don’t like, or it is showing us a behaviour we hope we will never reflect back, or it is showing us a behaviour we would like to have in some way but for whatever reason do not think we can display.

Imagine other people are a mirror and the things you notice most about other people are the things that are most important to us on some level. Become an explorer in your own life and without judgement just sit with the things that annoy you and unpeel the reasons why.  

For example, if someone is always late and this really annoys you, are you also someone who often runs late and you are reflecting your annoyance about yourself onto them? Or, is it that you are never late, and it is a fear of yours to be late so you are projecting this onto the other person? If you are late, does it annoy you? Is it a value your parents instilled into you that being late was disrespectful, shows disorganisation, or would mean you would miss out on opportunities? Or maybe you wish you could be more relaxed and occasionally not always be the first to an event? 

You also don’t need to allow someone to project their insecurities or fears onto you. I know this can be hard, and I can take things very personally if someone says something I perceive as being hurtful to me. But if someone hurts you, they are actually hurting or damaging themselves. You might be the reflection of what they want to be but know they are not there yet. Or maybe, something that doesn’t concern you, such as maybe you don’t care if you are on time, is actually a reflection of their own deepest fears about themselves, that they feel they always need to be on time. 

It doesn’t make it right for others to say things to you, but you can choose how to react - you can be hurt and let their comments become part of your story, or you can choose to think this is their truth and a reflection of their mind - it doesn’t have to be something you take on if you don’t want to. Or you can maybe choose to wait a day or two for the emotion to subside, and then sit with their comments and see if there are any learnings you can take from it. But you are then making a conscious choice to deepen your self awareness, and/or then make future changes. 

These exercises can also be used for things that you consider to be positive attributes that you see in others. To be able to identify an attribute, you must be able to identify into it. You cannot see kindness if you didn’t know what kindness is, so by noticing it in someone else, you must have experienced this yourself.

So, when someone is annoying you, or delighting you, in future, get curious and use it as a learning opportunity to understand yourself better. What is it about their behaviour that is annoying or delighting you? How is this a reflection on you? Is it a behaviour that you don’t like in yourself? Or is it a behaviour that you fear? Or maybe it is a behaviour you would love to cultivate within yourself?