The stewing box technique
As you know, I am a huge fan and advocate of cultivating a positive mental attitude and mindset (I wrote a whole blog post about it, which you can find here!) Notwithstanding a chemical imbalance or a grief situation, I believe we can choose how we feel. However, there are times our emotions can get the better of us, and this is when I like to use this simple ‘stewing box’ technique, where you allow yourself to acknowledge and ‘stew’ on the feelings for a set amount of time and then you choose to move on in a more productive state.
The stewing box steps
When you catch yourself feeling negative, or in a less than optimal mindset, instead of trying to change how you are feeling, timebox a short amount of time (5-10 minutes) to allow yourself to feel this way.
During this time, you are allowed to feel how you are feeling without trying to change the emotion. However, do try to name the emotion(s) you are feeling.
After the timebox you agreed with yourself, decide on how you would like to feel instead. If you catch yourself stating this as something you don’t want to feel, think about the opposite feeling or a positive emotion you would like to replace the current feeling with. The reason this is important is our minds are not great at distinguishing between positive and negatives so when you say “I don’t want to feel angry”, for example, your mind hears “I want to feel angry” and then looks to support this! If you can think about the positive emotion you would like to feel instead, for example, “I want to feel calm and in control” your mind hears “I want to feel calm and in control” and will look for ways to help support you in achieving this.
An example
A colleague has reviewed your report and has provided some feedback which means you have a lot of rework. You are feeling really frustrated as you put a lot of time and effort into producing this.
Using the stewing box technique you could:
Allow yourself to feel frustrated for 5 minutes (and set a timer on your phone).
For the next 5 minutes, focus on your feelings and name them. Maybe you say to yourself, “I feel frustrated. I feel angry at them. I feel disappointed in myself. I am cross that I need to keep working on this. I have so much other work to do and I really could do without this now. I don’t know how I’m going to fit this in.”
After the 5 minutes, focus on what you want to feel instead of the current emotions, or maybe the actions you want to take. Maybe you say to yourself, “I want to feel confident in my abilities. I want to be professional. I want to review the feedback and make the amends I agree with. I want to arrange a conversation to discuss the feedback. I want to have a good working relationship with them and know they were just doing their job. I want to see this as a learning opportunity. I can speak to my manager about other work priorities.”
Why does the stewing box technique work?
By timeboxing how long you will allow yourself to ‘stew’ on the issue you are setting a limit in your mind. Often, you will find you can’t feel the emotion for the full 5 or 10 minutes you have allowed as the act of acknowledging and accepting it is enough for you to start to let it go.
By allowing yourself to feel the emotion you are not intensifying it because you are not working against where you currently are; you are accepting things and this act alone often helps the emotion to dissipate and lose its power over you.
By finally focusing on what you want instead, stated as a positive, your mind will start to find ways to support this and is likely to move to solution mode. The intense negative feelings have lessened and you move to a more productive and resourceful state of mind.
Next time you experience a situation that brings up a negative emotion, I would love for you to try the stewing box technique, and let me know how this works for you.